This outline is a synopsis of common issues that most couples struggle with. This guide is designed to improve your communication skills.

Guidelines for Conflict Resolution

• Discuss what is hurting you and what is hurting your partner. Speak from your heart not your hurt.
• No one is the good one or the bad one or the right one or the wrong one. Look at the process first. The process is the problem.
• Acknowledge first what each person is saying before either of you tell your side of the story.
• Keep in mind that empathy, compassion, understanding and respect are the cornerstones of all conflict resolution.
• Make finding what is causing the break in your connection your goal and repair it. If you are not moving toward a solution you are off track.
• Check out all assumptions. Ask direct questions to find what your mate is actually thinking.
• Practice comforting and soothing one another during conflicts. For example: "I really love you and want to work this out, and I realize how much you must be hurting."
• Try not to take complaints as an indication that there is something wrong with you. Instead work toward understanding what your partner is trying to tell you about how they feel and what they need from you that they are not getting.
• Take time to reflect before you speak. Make sure you have thought through how you want to say what you need to say in the best way for your partner to truly understand you.
• Remember, no blame, no shame, no swearing, yelling, name calling or during discussions about important matters. Don't make it personal.

Dysfunctional Conflict Styles and Alternatives:

(From: John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work)

Criticism - Instead of criticizing try putting your feelings and concerns in the form of a complaint. A criticism is a negative comment that always causes a defensive reaction from the person. A complaint, however, can be constructive. A complaint is like asking the other person to please turn out the light when leaving the room. A criticism I like telling the person that they are stupid for leaving the light on.

Defensiveness - Acknowledge instead. Try repeating back to the person what you understand about what was said to you.

Contempt - Talk about what is hurting you instead of being angry and righteous.

Stonewalling - Instead of saying nothing, make an appointment to talk about what you want and need from one another.

The Process for Developing a Healthy Relationship

Move:

• From alienation to emotional support
• From defensiveness and self protection to openness and risk taking. Taking a risk means expressing your deepest needs, wishes, desires and feelings rather than being defensive and blaming.
• From passivity and helplessness to actively create and understand your unique dance.
• From blaming to being responsive and caring.
• From focusing on the other's flaws to the discovery of our own fears and longings.
• From isolation to connectedness.

(From: Susan M. Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy).

Things to Consider in Every Discussion

• Attempt to stay in the present; avoid bringing up the past.
• When discussions bog down it is usually because couples try to talk about what happened instead of what made it happen: the principle of what caused the hurt feelings or frustration rather than the particulars of what happened or who said what to whom. Focus more on the issue than the incident.
• Do not insult, bring others into the argument or hit below the belt. Remember when someone is ramping up the volume it's usually because the other one is not listening.
• Don't try to win the argument try to resolve it.
• Acknowledging your part in a problem is moving toward resolution.
• Your willingness to be open about your concerns, fears and insecurities will improve the potential for intimacy.
• Recognize that old familiar family pain is often stimulated in conflicts. How does the present resemble the past?
• What do you want and need from your partner?
• Shared values and discussions about what is important to both of you creates stability and security.
• If you want or don't want your partner to do something that you like or is upsetting you, let them know.
• Remember that you may not always see yourself clearly. Listening to and accepting the influence of your partner is a critical listening skill for a healthy relationship.
• Be true to your word, show up on time and apologize when needed. Then work toward changing those offending behaviors.

In a Conflict Remember To:

• COOL OFF first, and then schedule a time to talk.
• Discuss how you felt about what happened.
• Ask yourself, how can I see the issues from my partner's point of view?
• Describe what you think the problem is from both points of view. Try to see and understand your unique reaction.
• Recognize that to resolve conflicts you will need to talk about what you can do next time to create a better outcome.
• Make as many statements as you can to soften, soothe and express positive feelings. "You are my highest priority and I want to do what I can to understand how you feel."
• Discuss your values and concerns as a part of the resolution process.
• Focus on points of agreement as a component for finding effective solutions. "We both agree that we want children, it's just finding the right time."
• Conflicts can be multidimensional and may include feelings of inadequacy hopelessness, feeling unlovable or worthless.
• Facilitate the resolution process with tenderness, tolerance, patience, and compassion.
• Talk about positive aspects of the relationship and each other.
• Discuss your strengths as a couple.
• Stay away from absolutes like always and never.

Love Frames

(From George Bach)

• Communicating with your partner about how you want to love and how you want to be loved can facilitate intimacy and harmony. It is an important discussion to have with one another.
• When you want to be loved what would you want your partner to do for you? For example: Bring me soup when I'm sick, make me a special meal, write me a love note.
• When you love your mate how do you like to show it? For example: When I want to show you my love I will wash your car, make a special meal, and give flowers.

What Love Means

• Love means saying difficult things with tenderness.
• Love means that you have developed patience and tolerance toward differences and difficulty.
• Love means bearing ambivalence during times of difficulty and conflict.
• Love means saying you are sorry when you are wrong and meaning it.
• Love means that you will stop and think about your behavior when it is pointed out to you.
• Love means that you can be compassionate, understanding, respectful and empathic even when you don't feel like it.
• Love means being willing to compromise.
• Love means opening your heart knowing that it is possible that you may be hurt.
• Love means looking at yourself to see your part of the problem during conflicts.

Over the years of working with couples several themes have emerged.

• No matter how much love and passion there is in the beginning of a relationship, for love to last a lifetime it must be actively made, fashioned by a collaborative process whereby couples work together to create and embellish their emotional bond.
• The key to creating love is based on our ability to use self knowledge and teamwork to resolve conflicts. If these are done properly the resolution process will lead to a deeper intimacy.
• The challenge for loving couples is to become the kind of people who are worthy of being loved, and to develop an atmosphere within and between one another where love can thrive.
• The goal of relationships over time is to create and maintain a loving relationship that is both safe and secure, a touchstone for comforting and harmony.